Response to Littlelolikat video on consent in public.

This post will go into topics that will not be safe for some people.  I talk about sexuality.  I talk about a lot of different topics of this.  I talk about trauma, and responses to this.  I also talk about the criminal justice system.  I don’t know that I have even all the major triggers I mention here, but I am providing a “cut” here so that people have the “right” to not read it.  Going beyond this point will mean you understand this.

OK, I’m going to go off with the video, if you haven’t seen it, then you can watch it now:

So, with everyone knowing where I am starting from (what I’m responding to), here I go to start to talk about my response. I just created some notes which I am going to be working on.  This will be much longer than those notes:

  • I agree with her basic premise, but have issues with some details, or “directions” she is coming from
    • Overton Window discussion
    • Neurodiversity
    • Sexual diversity
  • Now the direct response to the things she said:
    • How people will react
    • Humiliation risk
    • Exposing others to what they do not wish to be
    • Diapers are considered to be underwear
    • “not something you want to be associated with”
      • “if your gramma would cringe at it, then don’t show it in public”
    • Vanilla wear
    • Raising eyebrows about wearing/sharing in “events” that are more public
    • Negative reactions
    • Relationship around being around children
    • Getting kicks out of your activities in public
    • Hummiliation
    • Kink clubs/fetish bars
    • Being respectful
    • Being in “less nice spaces”
      • Assaults that have happened
      • It is a mark against the community
    • Paedophilia (association with)
  • Closing remarks…

I agree with her basic premise, but have issues with some details, or “directions” she is coming from

OK, I want to start off with I pretty much agree with what she says.  Well, in the context that she is talking about, I think I totally agree with it, I think that my disagreements have something to do with some other aspects that are closely associated with this which I believe are very much worth making a good note about in terms of this being a good video to talk about these topics in this context.

Overton Window discussion

The first really important topic that I have felt that this brings up for me is some regards very much associated with the concept of the Overton Window.

I am not really going to go too much into it right now, but I want to briefly summarize what I mean by this, and what this is important about.

The Overton window is a concept related to what things are “considered to be normal”.

Stuff which is “in the window” are the things which are considered to be normal things.  I have seen in my lifetime some pretty wild shifts in what are considered to be normal, and a lot of those shifts I am not exactly in agreement with.

When a person is exposed to experiences which fall outside of their Overton window, they often will move towards that being considered “normal” though, usually not to accept that as being valid, but more to be more willing to accept less severe things which are along those lines as normal.

When a person is exposed (especially repeatedly) to experiences that are on the extreme that were totally unthinkable, what was “way out of whack” becomes “not acceptable, but normal.”

In regards to this particular video, I have found that people consider this video to be “pretty out there, and really not at all acceptable” even people who I have considered likely to have few problems with it.  So for me, I think that the comments that she has made are in the absence of thinking of this concept, and the belief that the way to “gain acceptance” is to make sure you “don’t offend.”

To me the “don’t offend” topic that goes through the video, while I understand where she is coming from, is very much misguided.  In fact, it is backwards for trying to gain greater acceptance.  The more you go “that caused offence, I will not do it” the more you will experience more and more offense off of smaller and smaller “infractions of social norms.”

Sadly, I think that my mere mentioning of this concept may well be very very controversial in this context.  But onward to next topic.

Neurodiversity

This is another factor, as my focus on this topic actually has a lot to do with neurodiversity for me, as I am realizing more and more that it has to do with how many people who end up with “littles” are people who do so as a response to trauma.  My use of the term trauma is very much in line with the definition in the DSM-5 (similar to prior versions):

  1. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:
    1. Direct experiencing the traumatic event(s).
    2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others.
    3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or friend.  In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental.
    4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

Note: Criterion (1)4 does not apply to exposure through electronic media, television, movies, pictures, unless exposure is work related.

I have a slightly broader view than this, but not a huge amount larger.  I think part of my “larger” view is more in line with the experience of “retraumatization” which can occur with “related events” causing a person to become triggered and re-experience past events in terms of those prior results.

So, why have I gone into all this detail about trauma regarding this.  Partially because my “little space” is not associated with a lot of the things that people in the community of ABDL/DDLG/CGL etcetera come from, or at least state they come from, but from the perspective of dissociation/depersonalisation/etcetera perspective.  For me while I have yet (to my knowledge) gone to a full out dissociative experience, where there are no experiences of the “main” personality, but have been pretty fully “in” the space, even though I see it, I can have very limited control.

So, neurodiversity is relevant here, and this seems to come out of trauma.  And my comment regarding neurodiversity really needs to go into why I think it is very important to create a community where a variety of different neuro-experiences are more widely accepted.

I am autistic, and while I have pretty much known “something about that” my whole life, I think that from the neurodiversity perspective one of the very clear things is that we need to find that we need to speak a lot about is that people be accepted for “who they are.”  This doesn’t really mean that people who are “just jerks” need to be accepted for that.

I know someone who has been really a jerk to myself, and a lot of other people.  He has said “I have assburgers” or something like that referring to himself, as a partial explanation as to why he is an asshole.  The thing is, he is a “proud asshole” (he has said as much).  So, I am pretty sure that the neurodiversity community does not consider “asshole” to be an aspect of neurodiversity.

So, I guess the thing is, I see a lot of comments of “Just act normal.”  And a lot of things along those lines.  In fact (this really needs to be covered in an entirely different post) the “evidence based,” “best practices,” for treatment of autism is “Advanced Behaviour Analysis” or ABA, which was created by Ole Ivar Lovaas who also treated (at least) one 4 year old homosexual feminine male with the same methods, and this has been strongly considered to be child abuse.

In fact, the use of “reparative therapy” for homosexuals has been banned in the United States (or at least serious moves to do so, and the professional associations have done so) against children.  And the whole point of ABA is to “behave normal”.  I have experienced this therapy, though to my knowledge no one has ever called it that, and in fact the documents which were related to that treatment have absolutely no mention of anything which could be interpreted as “fixing those behaviours” other than a mention of “get hair cut,” and “spent 5 minutes pealing the label off of a bottle.”

I believe even by the time those notes started, I had been experiencing enough trauma to actually be demonstrating trauma responses.  These notes began when I was 10 years old.  I know that at that time I was experiencing significant trauma on a regular basis at school, and this is roundly not acknowledged in any of the documentation.  It was just “boys being boys” as far as anyone was concerned.

So…  For me, my “little space” is about doing a lot of the healing that I need to do in order to “bring those split” back to now.  (I may need to end shortly as healing is maybe going to be needed shortly…).

I think that may be enough for now.

Sexual diversity

I think this may be a shorter section.  I think that to me, I am looking at my concerns around sexual diversity where people have been told “don’t put it out into the public” about things like gay people holding hands, and such.

While I have a lot of problems with people who have been willing to knowingly (or it should be knowingly) committing acts of a sexual nature in a non-consensual way, that is masturbating in front of work colleagues, sexual touching, invitations to sexual touching, public displays of sexuality, voyeurism, etcetera.  The acts I am talking about are sexual acts, or acts that come from a sexual understanding, and these are done in a means which is exposing, or engaging in sexual acts in a way that doesn’t get consent.

Consent is important.  But there is also a problem that certain things have been considered or “marked” as being sexual, which would not be in a somewhat different context.  For example, “two guys kissing” is sexual, and a “guy and a girl kissing” is normal.

There was a picture of a “nice couple kissing at their wedding,” and it was used by those who were opposed to marriage equality, but it was two women, one who was dressed as a girl (drag), the other dressed as a boy (drab).  Once it came out, there were many “apologies” given for daring to show such an offensive picture.  Though the thing is, the only thing “offensive” about the picture was that it was “same sex”.

In a lot of ways, the fact that we are willing to say “this person is right” about saying “keep it in the bedroom” to me feels like a lot of unwillingness to see “that which is different” as being perfectly OK.  And in a lot of ways, the idea that even “being out there” as being “harmful” to those who “do not consent” is much the same argument which said to gay couples “do not hold hands in public.”

I believe that I think that there are very good reasons that we think that this is the case, and a lot of this comes with some of the stuff which is later in the video about “not nice places.”  The thing that I think about that is that I understand, and I accept those who are not willing, or accepting of going out there (heck, I’m not myself) the fact that even those in the community will say that it is “wrong” to be out about it unless you know it is “safe” to be is disturbing to me.

There are many people who are in the GLBT+ (I’m using a short form for convenience and understanding, please use the “contact form” if you wish to comment on that…) people who are not willing to be out.  This is an OK thing.  We should not out other people.  We don’t know if it is safe to be out.  There are many people who say “no matter what, you need to be out,” which I largely disagree with.  Not that I don’t think that people should be out, but there is a very great pressure for those who are “not out” to go “out of the closet,” which I think is the extreme of the other side of “please don’t put your nasty lifestyle in front of people who don’t agree with it, and is equally, “bad”.

We need to be willing to accept that any way of looking at a situation is an OK way.  The problems exist that we start looking in too narrow ways, and start to say “please do this,” or “please don’t do that,” in ways that end up moralizing other people’s behaviours.

We should allow ourselves to decide what is right, and what is wrong for our own life.  I try not to put myself out in the world as a “weirdo” or a “sexual deviant” or any of the many other things.  I personally think that it is wrong for me to be so afraid of being out there as myself.  I have repeatedly run into situations where I have presented something about myself which have lead to some very serious repercussions.  I have been assaulted because of who I am (repeatedly over long periods of time).  I have had my life threatened by people of authority in the name of helping.  I have had very serious consequences for trying to get help for a number of different things in my life, including being arrested simply for trying to get help…

For these reasons, I have been very reluctant to allow myself to be “too out there,” though this has also lead to my being really incredibly isolated, and in some very dangerous situations because I have been so scared to allow myself to be out there, and be myself.  Often being afraid to ask for help…  This is very very dangerous, and can lead to harm to individuals themself, and those around them.

Now the direct response to the things she said

I have written a lot about the general stuff that I felt, and my concerns about this.  Right now, I am going to go into a few (lots) of different “prompts” that I wrote for myself about the different things that she was talking about.  Mostly these are based on the order they came up in the video.  So, I am going to go into the things which she talked about.

How people will react

I really thought this was a lot of what she was talking about.  I agree, people can react in very negative ways about these different topics.  I shared this video with some journalist who was asking about how we talk about consent, as well as my first part of this series about talking about littles.

My approaching this person was because I wanted to try in a relatively “safe” environment to see how safe this is.  I may have asked in a way that was poorly worded, but she said something about the fact that she felt that I was trolling her.  This was in a space that while I was concerned that this was just too hot a topic, it would be handled in a reasonable manner by a person who really does a good job of presenting herself as liberal and accepting.

I am glad that I took this to the particular forum I did, and was able to see that the response was so seriously negative towards my asking about this, despite trying to not present it in a intentionally controversial way.  People react negatively…  And there will be some serious questions that I respond to toward the end of this.

Humiliation risk

The video talks a bit about how people feel that “humiliation risk” is part of why some people will go out in public like this.  I think one thing that to me about this is that some people simply going out in public poses a humiliation risk in a very serious manner.

I do seriously understand how this is considered to be a problem.  I think that the one thing that people have about saying these things, is related to a lot of how a lot of this ends up playing out.

These situations are often presented as “humiliation risk” situations which of course they do pose.  The problem that does exist with how they play out, is that those who do go out for that purpose, are not doing so because there is the humiliation risk, but that they get a sexual “charge” from putting themself in a position where there is humiliation risk.  They are going out for the sexual charge.

This, I agree, is wrong.  This even though people may well be doing exactly the same actions, and it not being for that purpose, is wrong because this is literally “engaging in a sexual act in public.”

The problem that I see about this is that how do you distinguish between the person who is doing it “because it will give them a sexual charge” and “those who get a sexual charge out of it, but are doing it for other reasons,” or even “people who are doing it for an entirely different reason, and get no sexual charge out of it.”

The best way to tell if this is the case, is to ask the person, but there is a major problem with asking the problem is that many people are willing (and quite able to) lie about why they are doing something.  Especially when the question of whether or not what they were doing was a “wrong” thing or just something they were doing that others considered wrong.

As I said, I have found that going out, as myself, I face the risk that someone will humiliate me, or at least try.  I have had complaints addressed to me because my socks don’t match.  I have had complaints directed to me because I “look like a guy.”  I have had far more dangerous complaints addressed to me for things which are even more “dangerous” such as stimming in public, asking the police that the law be enforced, being in extreme sensory overload in public, daring to suggest that I am feeling that life is horrible.

Not one of these things are things which I think should be vaguely considered to be something which will allow a person to judge another person in a negative way.  On the other hand, “going out as a little” I am a little less sure that it shouldn’t be a “bad thing,” beyond the fact that when I am in little space (I have been in public) I really wish that I was able to express that no matter where I am.

When I end up in little space when I am in public, I know that I have to make sure that the littles do not get noticed by anyone who may take offense.  There can be two different things which can happen regarding this which are genuinely terrifying to me.  I could be arrested under the mental health act, and taken to the hospital “for assessment.”  In the jurisdiction I live in, this means that I would end up losing any right to informed consent to the treatment that I receive.  I do not need to be informed.  I do not need to provide consent.  They can refuse to treat me (and have) with previously medically administered treatments.  They can force to treat me in ways that have previously been proven to be highly dangerous.  They do not need to even inform me of this treatment.  They can lie to me.  In regards to this, the second actually is preferable…

The second, I could be arrested and charged with some perceived crime for the “crime” of having been “luring children” or many other different versions.  I have been arrested for refusing to comply with unlawful orders.  This has been when I haven’t even been expressing the degree I was in little space.  I have been assaulted by police on a good number of occasions.  This has been done to “help” me.  So yes, to me it is far too dangerous to go out in “unsafe ways”.

And I agree, those who “get off” by doing things like this…  Don’t, don’t don’t get off in front of people who haven’t explicitly consented…

Exposing others to what they do not wish to be

This comes down to “is it sexual or not.”   The problem is “you can’t tell” and I’d rather not (personally) say that it is sexual inherently, but the community this comes from, it is “likely” sexual, and it is better to assume that it will be considered to be.  So, maybe the “don’t” is totally true here.

Diapers are considered to be underwear

This to me is really a good point.

Too many people are unwilling to believe that diapers are underwear.  I’m not saying that they are “the same thing” but they are meant to be under not outer wear.  The “weird” thing that I have seen is that some people have been wearing diapers on the outside of their clothing as a “prank”.

I find this offensive on a lot of levels.  Partially because things like those “prank” type events are part of what makes it dangerous for people who may even need to use diapers for incontinence issues (I have had to do so at times myself).

The sexualizing along with the shaming of wearing diapers has been a bit of a problem for me about this community.  The combination makes it very difficult for people who are not into it for any reason like that, but really need to do it (I recently watched a video about it in the disability community and “please call adult diapers what they are, diapers…”).

“not something you want to be associated with”

This was said about the use of pacifiers, and not wanting to be associated with the rave community…  I can’t comment, I literally am running out of ways to respond.  I am associated with people who are involved with the rave community (one of the largest raves in the world actually) and can’t say anything about “don’t want to be associated with that” when it comes to that.

I don’t want to personally…  But I don’t think that anyone should be vaguely ashamed of being part of that community.

“if your gramma would cringe at it, then don’t show it in public”

This is a massive trigger for me.  I am going to talk about my experience with going to my grandmother’s 95th birthday party, and about why this is triggering (except maybe not really literally so, still upsetting, but not so much as to trigger flashbacks/re-experiencing a technically traumatic event).

I have been avoiding (and at that time had been for some time) doing much in terms of social stuff with my family since my sister’s second wedding.  While that was not so bad, but it’s been over 5 years now, so it’s been a while.  It wasn’t so bad in the sense that I merely felt like I “did not fit” rather than feeling like people so disapproved that they were willing to say so to my face.

At my grandmother’s birthday, this was very different.  My grandmother, my aunts and uncles, most of my cousins, and most of the other family who talked to me (less so percentage wise than my cousins) made it very clear that sexual deviants, trannies, crazies, unemployed, those in shit jobs, etcetera etcetera, are so below them, that they are quite happy to say these people are merely the scum of the earth, when the person they are talking to is all of these things.

There were a good many people who I did not talk to.  As I think I may have mentioned already, I have been living in such a way that my independence in particular when out with family gets very much quashed.  My mum in particular, but so much of my family is quite happy to speak for me, and say what is going on with me, when I am literally right there.  As an autistic, I am learning that this is a common behaviour of our family members, and sometimes even of our Personal Assistants (recent post about that said that their boss is the person they are assisting, and that they like (and have been given) the job title of Personal Assistant).

Your job is to “help” not to take over.  It doesn’t matter if you are a family member providing “unpaid assistance” or if you are a professional.  While I give some leeway to the family members, as rarely they are given the training that would allow them to learn that they are supposed to simply be there to offer assistance when called on, and be in the background, but I have seen that too often professionals will be asked to come in and do one of two things, that being move in to answer stuff which they should be allowing their client (ie. boss) to answer unless called on, or to fail to offer/provide any kind of assistance when the client ends up struggling and could use some prompting (personal experience with working with others).

I know many times that people who work in this field are really fantastic people.  I have had one counsellor who I asked for some help with filling out a form.  We had been talking about it for some time.  I was having some real issues with filling it out, I was not getting it done.  So, they asked if I would like them to help me, and I was honest, and said that I didn’t feel comfortable about it but sure.

Some time later, we sat down, and we filled out the form.  What that counsellor did to help me was provide a space for me to do it (not that I lacked the physical space) and the opportunity to do so such that if I needed any help, it was right there.  So I filled out the form, and they sat there “helping” simply by holding the space.  This is what a personal assistant does when this is what is needed, and this is hugely helpful.

Had I not had that, the form probably would not have ended up getting filled out.  It seems like a minor thing to do to simply be there, but having a safe person who was willing (and I believe happy) to offer the help of simply holding the space, though somewhat surprised that was all that was needed, was absolutely a major thing.

This did not involve direct interaction with another person.  So there was no real way that the usual things that I find extremely frustrating may have come up.  Though (I don’t remember any specifics) I have been in situations with this person where interaction with others ended up being very much made easier because of the play of how they were able to support.

But that was a diversion I wasn’t intending to go down…  The problem I ran into was that it being a family event, I didn’t have any support to be able to say to anyone that I needed to speak for myself, but may need some little bits of help.  So mostly I either had someone speaking for me (and honestly saying things about me that I consider to be lies “Oh things are going really well, this and this is really great.”) or being by myself and not actually being able to speak for myself when someone is going on about how someone is the scum of the earth, while they are talking about things which are going on in my life.

On return, I talked with my parents, and said what had happened, and how everyone was saying horrible things.  The response was “it wasn’t really that bad.”  And maybe I threw a bit more to it, but really it was pretty darn horrible.  And I do not believe I have any interest in going to another such event unless I can go and do what I have seen another family member do.  “go to the official event, and then go home.”  Which I will not be allowed to do.

My family pretty much disapproves of everything about me.  So this is something I have some pretty negative responses to.  I’m sorry, I know that a lot of people do not have this experience, so I understand why people don’t understand why for some people it is so hard to hear things like this.

My feeling is that the only thing which would be approved by my family is to die in an accident, or better yet die of natural causes.  Yet, I’m not even sure if that would be allowed.  Because family members who have died in accidents, or of natural causes have (after their death) had such horrible things said about how they dare die…  So I keep living, and keep offending my family.  I don’t even talk to the vast majority of them.

Vanilla wear

I’m not really sure what I want to say here.  The video talks about the concept of vanilla wear, in terms of clothing that at least passes as “normal.”  I stated above that people have tried to shame me for wearing unmatched socks.  This honestly is about the most “wild” I go with what I wear, except for wearing clothes occasionally (though rarely) that is so well loved, that they basically don’t count as clothing (I may at some time share some of these clothes…).

Sometimes I just need to have clothing that “owns” so much “comfort” that I don’t care that it looks horrible.  I usually only wear this at home, or rarely when I am being asked to go out when I am in desperately in need of having ways to stim without drawing attention…  These clothes are great for that.

Raising eyebrows about wearing/sharing in “events” that are more public

There was talk about a specific event which I didn’t understand, it sounded like something considered sexual in the dominance/submission type way that happened in a “more or less public space.”

This was at an event of some sort, but it sounded like it was an event that was “public”.  I have seen such things at pride, though not in this type of way.  It sounds like it may have been such an event.  And to me, it is no different than doing so at a pride event.  “pride” in this case being GLBT+ pride…

Negative reactions

I’ve talked a bit about some of the negative reactions I have had.  Not all around this.  I agree, this is a particularly tricky area that there are pretty darn negative reactions that do not exist with people who are otherwise very accepting of the variety of experience that people have…

Relationship around being around children

This is hard, I know I want to talk about a lot of this.  I think the thing for me is, we say things are sexual which are not.  We consider something to be sexual when a person with a given body does it, while someone with another body it is perfectly normal.

I understand some of these reasons, but because of these things, I am unable to go anywhere that I will be changing in anywhere that does not have a “family/disability” change room.  Around here, that means pretty much any place that a change room would be used.

My body is such that it is considered sexual in any “gendered space”.  While I am able to be in non-gendered spaces (ie. spaces which are for people of all genders) but often with the caveat that I may face people talking about how my body is wrong because of the same reasons it’s not allowed in any “gendered space”.

Getting kicks out of your activities in public

This is wrong, wrong wrong…  This (even if all you are doing is being in the space around other people who don’t know but are getting off sexually).  Nothing more to say about that, already talked about it…

Humiliation

This is something I have already talked about.  I think I have covered it sufficiently already.  Getting your kicks from humiliation in a public space is wrong.  At least if that is the intention.  The problem is how do you determine intention…

Kink clubs/fetish bars

This is something that I have very limited experience of.  I was talking to a friend about this topic a little bit and how talking about sexuality isn’t a big deal for me, but I have no interest in engaging in that sort of thing.

My friend (not that it hasn’t been suggested by others) is that I may well be asexual and asked “if you have a choice between cake and sex, what would you chose?” and my answer was “cake,” with further explanation.  But honestly, I think “cake” is the wrong answer…  The right answer is “I would rather have plain oatmeal than sex.”

So being asexual (happy cake day to me), I have only had experience where someone has invited me, and only ended up feeling that I totally didn’t belong.  I am happy to say that I did experience that.  I think in that situation I didn’t end up meeting the person who I had intended to, but felt that was probably a very good thing…

Being respectful

I desperately try to be respectful when I am around others.  I have been told over and over that I really should be more respectful.  I try to work hard to be respectful, but in a lot of ways this is “language policing” and doing things which means that it prevents that people who are different are shut down on a regular basis.

I have been told that I need to be more respectful by people who have repeatedly interrupted me, who I have expressed that I may well have difficulty with communication, and yes I will admit that I may not be the most respectful way to respond to someone who has been disrespectful.

The fact is, these people have been told in advance that there may be issues where I may have problems.  They have been told repeatedly that I am experiencing problems with how they are communicating.  They have been told repeatedly what they are doing that is making it difficult for me to process what they are saying.  They have even been told what could make it better.  Yet they continue doing what they have been doing.  They may even make it more extreme.  They have totally lost their right to being treated respectfully due to treating me disrespectfully.

This wasn’t the point.  Having heard “be respectful” too often when others are being disrespectful to me, has lead me to have problems with people who are asking “different people” need to be respectful.  The same people who get the same thing possibly on a regular basis.

Being in “less nice spaces”

I think that I have addressed this.  I live in one of these “less nice spaces”.  I have had people who live in places like Alabama say how sweet and wonderful where they live are.  The same people who when they have been working have had a gun pulled on them.  I guess this is what nice polite places in the United States are?  In a less nice space, you don’t get a gone merely pulled on you, you get shot?  I don’t know…

Assaults that have happened

People who have experience with this, people have been seriously assaulted for being out in these “not nice spaces” while being “little”.  This I seriously do not doubt, I am certain it has happened.  In fact, I doubt that there haven’t been people killed…

This was probably the most relevant point that was made here.  And maybe because it was made was part of what is true about this.  This is such a marginalized community that I think that I can say that communities such as “trans-woman sex worker of colour” may not even be anywhere near as marginalized, and there are lots of stories about these people being murdered.  In fact there is “a trans day of remembrance” which honors trans people who have been murdered, and a lot of those are trans-women sex-workers of colour.

The littles who are part of the ABDL community may well be a lot smaller than the trans-woman sex-worker of colour community.  I don’t really know.  I am not sure what more to say, so I will move forward…

It is a mark against the community

This bothers me, my reasons I think have been stated above, but I want to speak a bit about a historical event which most people are aware of.

The event, is the Stonewall Riots (though I’m not sure I like the term).  The people most involved with the actual problems with this were mostly trans women.  Many (if not most people aware of this) people who are aware and even think they “know it” about Stonewall, do not really even know this.

The thing is, these people were “providing  a mark against the community,” by going out to Stonewall because they were assigned male at birth, and were dressed as a girl.  These also are the people who are some of the most important people in what have allowed us to have as much freedom for the GLBT+ community and I think this really has to be honoured that these were the
“bad people” in the community who allowed the community to be accepted.

To me, this also is a case where “the community” got accepted, but those who lead to the community being accepted are still only barely accepted.  And sadly, I am seeing push in the other direction right now, in particular in the United States.

Pædophilia (association with)

There are indeed associations with pædophiles and the ABDL community.  Here I am going to go into territory that is even more dangerous than ABDL, and I am wandering into it with full knowledge of how dangerous this is.

Pædophilia is a clinical diagnosis, which is not the same as child sexual abusers.  In fact, many child sexual abusers are not even clinically pædophiles.  Pædophilia is specifically a sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children, where one of two things exist, action on it (these are the people who are both child sexual abusers and pædophiles) or clinically significant distress from this.

The problem that exists is with that latter category.  Those who are in that latter category due to laws of “disclosure” are put into a position where they are unable to safely enter into a healing relationship with a professional and be able to speak of their unwanted sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children.  Or in terms of the law, to anyone who is under the age of consent.

The fact that this is the case (though there are people who are out there who you can talk to in such a case, are able to comply with the disclosure laws (because the disclosure laws are not such that talking about it, or even being afraid that you might act on it require reporting)) prevents people who are in need of help from safely seeking that help.  I am aware of people who have been able to access help along these lines with not having had it be reported.

Successful treatment is possible, but it is only possible when it is safe for a person to talk about this and be able to make decisions about it regarding that treatment themselves, rather than those decisions ending up being made on their behalf.  Occasionally when the topic is something which is unsafe from the perspective of the professional the person is talking to is not a safe person to talk to, poor communication exists, but successful treatment can happen.  I’m aware of at least one case of this.

This isn’t exactly “successful” in the sense that it really is treating the underlying stuff, but it will allow for some treatment which can help.  Which is a heck of a lot better than not having any treatment at all.

Closing remarks…

Well, I think I have gone into some very deep territory here.  This is way too long for a single post.  But it is what it is.  I have taken a nice prompt (thank you those who have helped me get to being able to write this, many of whom have been mentioned in this) and taken it through a lot of territory, and I believe I have managed to provide a good amount of quality here.  I know it is not as “clean” as I would like it.  But that is just the nature of this beast…

I do not really expect many people to read this whole thing.  But if you have comments, I have added a contact form on the bottom.  Please feel free to use it, I may take what you say and do something with it.  And I may respond to you.  Thank you again everyone.

Please see about supporting me (or even just following) on Patreon, or LiberaPay.  This is an example of some of the things which I consider to be a “thing” right now.  Some are far shorter.  But I think that all are worthy of some kind of support.  So whatever it is you feel like offering is welcome…

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