Lack of activity

For the last little while there has been a lack of activity, well, mostly a lack of visible activity.  Well, not entirely just a lack of visible activity, as even stuff going on in the background hasn’t been going on.

So here I am trying to put a few of those pieces together.

  1. Social issues have made it very difficult for me to want to put energy forward for this stuff.
  2. Technical issues which are not really that difficult have added another layer (podcasting).
  3. Difficulty focusing has been a problem.
  4. Distractions have been keeping me away (there is a dog who can be highly demanding).
  5. Mood issues seem to be significant right now.

I don’t usually use an ordered list, but I felt maybe this time I would.

Social issues

For a long time I have really struggled with finding my space in the world, and have tried a variety of things which would help me find it.  I do end up finding a few little niches here and there that seem “accepting enough” but the issue is more of a matter that while I can feel “not threatened” in a lot of those places, so very few of those places really feel like “home,” or even a “nice place to hang out.”

Still, I kept pushing forward.  I have lived in the same community for most of my life and feel that if there really was a place that I really could fit in this community I would have been able to find it.  Or at least feel that there may still be a place for me somewhere.

About 10 weeks ago, I was talking to someone who suggested a few things which I might be able to connect with, so a couple of months ago, I decided to look into that.  So far (and I’ve been told it’s going to be 3 months or more probably) I have been unsuccessful in even those things.  I just don’t think that they will pan out right now.  Or maybe even ever here.

Everyone likes to remind me how wonderful this community is.  How accepting, and how loving it is.  I do see that there are people who are willing to make at least a little connection with me.  But honestly, the majority of the time when I see that, I see someone who is off in their little world, doing their own little thing, and they are shocked, surprised that someone is “happy to see them.”  They also tend to be “teenagers” for the most part.

Technical issues

Back over a month ago, I was working on being able to do some more serious podcasting.  Part of what I wanted to handle with that was our effort to handle “Ask Open Psychology” in a format that might work well enough for people.  While it isn’t so much of a big deal, now that I have setup my “technical” podcast over at Datse Multimedia it still is a bit of a process getting it setup, and getting things working in terms of recording and all of that.

A big part of why I have been somewhat reluctant to proceed with that is because, I have had significant comments (some genuinely presented as trying to be helpful) about how I have to change how I present.  One comment was “The breathing, do you have to.”  While I can well accept that at least some of these people are genuinely well meaning.  It still can be upsetting.  It goes somewhat back to the issue of the social skills stuff.

I have had so many people who want to teach me how to “be better” at social skills type things, and most of them have believed (as far as I can tell) that their actually helping me by doing that.  Here is what I keep learning, “It’s OK for altistics to stim, and do it regularly, but if an autistic does so, that is an issue to address,” “Autistics are constantly interrupting, and talking over other people and that is an issue to address, but if an altistic does the same, it’s because the person didn’t give appropriate social cues.”

If I am in a conversation with someone, and I have spent half an hour listening to a conversation I don’t understand, and can’t get a reasonable explanation of what is going on, and then spend 5 minutes saying “I’m getting frustrated by this thing that doesn’t really affect you, and doesn’t have anything to do with you.” I end up with people literally walking out on me, and getting interrupted.

But then, when I try to address it, I either get “everyone has issues like that,” or “you just need to do X, Y, or Z.”  So while the technical issues themself are not that big, the fact that the social issues pile on to that, and that I can’t even express my frustration with technical issues without major social issues coming up.

Focus

A lot of my days, I keep getting distracted, or even not so much actually distracted as in “something distracts me” but I just fail to be able to apply enough focus to sit down and start doing things.

This is I think partially to do with sensory overload/underload issues.  It isn’t so much that things are too loud, or that things are too quiet.  For instance, after having a bunch of noise of people talking, work going on outside, all of which were making sensory overload starting to become a bit of an issue, it is now just me, the dog, and a few birds outside, and I suddenly feel that it is “way too quiet”.

Other times, when I have been off, away from electronics, away from people, and just experiencing things “as they are” without so much people and technology being involved, the level of sound here becomes “just too much”.  I can look fairly objectively that a lot of this fluctuation, or even the highs and the lows, isn’t all that unusual.  And that I probably “overmanage” my sensory environment in the views of a lot of people (I get comments to that affect at least once a week) but it really is how I manage to get through my day without either only focusing on the most basic things (and feeling that they are far too much) or being so exhausted with all I am doing that I can’t fit any “fun” in at all.

So, that probably is a big issue I’m having to deal with.

Distractions

This is a bit of a weird one in some ways.  Back at the beginning of December a dog came to try us out, to see if she wanted to have us for her forever people.  When we went down to see what the SPCA had available for dogs, she felt like the best dog there, the other dogs were small floofy dogs which has never really been our thing, and a few far too energetic dogs.

But, when we met, and when we went out to check how things went with her (Tazzy) I wasn’t sure she was going to be happy with us.  She didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me, or anyone else, so I was somewhat reluctant to have her join us full time.  Still I wanted to give it a go, so we started fostering to see if things would work out.

By the end of that day, I was pretty sure that Tazzy wanted to keep me, that I wanted to keep Tazzy, and that dad had to go.  It wasn’t really what I wanted.  But it felt like it would be the best solution.  Tazzy didn’t like dad.  Dad kept expressing himself in ways that looked very much like he didn’t like Tazzy (but kept saying that wasn’t true) so I felt that if some reasonable acceptance would happen with dad and Tazzy that things would work out OK.

Tazzy can take a lot of time and effort, and this can be distracting, but oddly, if I have managed to “start” something, if she does interrupt, it feels more like at “hey you seem bogged down, let’s take a break” thing and well justified, and probably makes things better in those cases.

A bigger distraction has been certain things like the Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why which I hope to be able to talk about (well past all the furor has played out apparently, as I haven’t seen or heard anything for a while now) which would draw me in.  Still that has been a lot less engaging (and thus I don’t even try) for some time now.

Mood issues

This is a bit of a weird one too.  I have noticed that a lot of the time because I am in a crappy mood, I don’t feel like giving much of anything a go.  But I also keep trying to do things and hope that it will be worth the effort, yet it just never seems to work out.  My mood issues seem to have a lot to do with the fact that I can’t see a place for myself in this town.  It’s hard to feel happy with your place in the world when you feel like really there is no place for you in the world.

I would like to say that the reason I am writing this is because, I am feeling up, and I wanted to share about what I’ve been up to.  But really it is more that I really am feeling a desperate need to do something that maybe someone might be interested in, and might find it helpful in some way.

What I have been doing

I had really wanted to get more of the work done on the Autism Jobs site, which is still a long way from being at launch (I have one smallish part of the project to handle before I decide to look at the bigger part of how to handle job listings) but that 5 minutes of talking about stuff that other people really feel uninterested in, was about my frustrations about dealing with the site, and basically I was given a “it doesn’t really matter, we don’t really care what you’re doing, unless it’s directly affecting us.”  So it became very discouraging (and distracting because clearly there is no point in doing the work, if I can’t focus enough to even figure out where the next step starts) to want to work on it.  But still I wanted to present some “something.”  So this is the here something.

Patreon and Datse Multimedia

I have on Datse Multimedia a link to my Patreon, and a “store” I have setup.  I am not really selling anything tangible in my store, and right now I am not getting a whole lot of traffic supporting me on Patreon, or through my store.  Recent reading has lead me to better understand the “why” of not being able to support myself through those means very well at all.  But do consider supporting me somehow.

This entry was posted in Personal, Relating/Connection, Site News, Upcoming and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Both comments and trackbacks are currently closed.